Dear American Idol,

Ho, ho, ho. Don't you think you're clever?
Just wanted to thank you for wasting TWO full hours of my life last night (you don't even need two hours for a performance show, let alone a results one, and making me guilty for living in America. I thought I was done with watching those montages of Simon and Ryan in Africa, Randy in New Orleans, Paula in Oklahoma or wherever she was...I'm sure even she wasn't sure).
But no. In addition to the AI cast, I also had the privelege of seeing Madonna, Carrie Underwood, Ellen, Hugh Laurie, Teri Hatcher, and the like make pleas and pretty much rip my heart out, making me feel guilty for having an education and a secure job.
The night wasn't a complete loss, however. During your broadcast (which I normally Tivo and start 20 minutes into the broadcast, allowing me to fast forward though the commercials and other nonsense. Last night, however, I was so excited to see Ellen and Kelly and the others that I decided to watch in real time. Big mistake), I was able to complete the following while I occasionally paused the live program so I could fast forward later:

• 3 loads of laundry (no joke.)


• The last 50 pages of the book I put down a month ago and haven't been able to pick back up


• 7 Sudoku puzzles


• My nightly practice of taking out my new contact lenses...took me 30 minutes.


• Clean out my wallet and man-purses messenger bags


• Wash and condition my hair.


• Relace all of my tennis shoes

Ok, so maybe I was embellishing with those last two. The point is, American Idol, last night's show was boring. Here are some things I could have done without:

• The cheesy "Heal The World," "What's Going On?" or whatever song it was the top 6 contestants sang. I usually fast forward through these group performances because I can't stand the cheesy choreography and camera work. But they were all wearing white, my eyes were drawn to the brightness.


• The LAME Beegee's montage of random C & D-list celebrities lipsynching to "Stayin' Alive" including Marc Antony, Teri Hatcher, Hugh Laurie, Jason Biggs, Lisa Kudrow, Chris Kattan, and Ryan Seacrest himself. There were others, too, but I think I dozed off for a minute in the middle somewhere.


• Celine Dion singing a duet with Elvis Presley. The last time I checked, Elvis has been dead for 30 years. Let's keep it that way. Celine probably felt the same way...she looked bored to death as she was singing a harmony with a guy who doesn't even exist anymore.


• The lamest elimination in Idol history...more on that later.

Don't get me wrong though, the show had its redeeming moments, including:

• Seeing Ryan and the other contestants freshly shaven.


• Kelly Clarkson...she's amazing singing a crazy rock anthem and a mellow folk tune.


• Ellen as host of the show at the Disney Concert Hall. From her beginning line, "Am I being voted off? What's going on?" to her closing words of wisdom that sent me over the edge, I can't get enough of that woman.


• Josh Groban's performance of "You Raise Me Up" with a chorus of African children. I was bored up until the kids started singing. I'm sure they had no idea what they were saying, but damn was it cute.

Now, let's talk about the elimination. Promised to be the most shocking elimination in Idol history, it actually turned out to be the lamest and cruelest. As the contestants were singled out one-by-one and informed they were safe, I knew once Ryan passed over Phil and Lakisha that nobody was going home. But to single out Chris and Jordin, fool Jordin into thinking she's going home, and then say that two people will go home next week instead? That's just cruel, Nigel! Good idea to not eliminate anyone during a charity show, carry the votes over, and eliminate two people, but a cruel trick to play on America's favorite 17 year-old. And you weren't fooling anyone (except Jordin, of course). I like to think we've smartened up since the Chris Daughtry fiasco, and you blatantly tried to capitalize on it once more. Well ha, AI. It didn't work. I saw right through your little scheme. But in the end, I lost out because I actually watched all the way through to the end, if anything so I could write this educated and unnecessarily long letter to you.
Well, onward and upward, I say. On to rock week. I'm guessing if Sanjaya hadn't already gone home, this would be the week he would. Wait, didn't we already have a rock week with Gwen Stefani? I'm confused. I'm guessing Chris and Blake could have a good week, while Phil and Jordin will barely squeeze by. But I'm wishing the best for Kiki and Melinda. They've got their work cut out for them.

Love,
Me.