Hollywood Headliners

• Jessica Biel has rejoined Justin Timberlake on his European tour, after he sent her home because her booty was too distracting. Or something like that. Seriously, I don't know which one has the better booty...I'll have to research that one. Biel has been seen walking around Europe with Timberlake's mother. So are these two together, or what? And when is the sex tape coming out, 'cause I'll invest in that shit.
• Brad Pitt's mom visited Jennifer Aniston over the weekend. Brad's family claims that he and Jen are friends, so it's acceptable for them to be friends with her too. When was the last time you saw Jen and Brad hanging out together? I would kind of hold a grudge against my ex-hubby for leaving me for my costar and adopting half the orphans in the world and becoming even more of a super-couple than we were together. Call me crazy. Oh, and Angelina's pissed that her hubby's mother is hanging out with Jen. Can't Angie just snap her fingers and make people 'disappear' (if you know what I mean)?
• Scott Baio is 45...and Single. That's in italics because it's the title of his new VH1 reality show. Do I really need to bother making up a joke for this one?
• Kelly Rowan, otherwise known as Kirsten "Kiki" Cohen on The OC is engaged. To a billionaire. Not just any old billionaire, no. He's only the richest man in Canada, and the 10th richest man in the world, according to Forbes. Hey, Kelly, the show wasn't real. You don't have to marry the richest man you can find...but can I borrow $100?
• Apparently the Hoff's video of him attempting to eat a hamburger with the world's strongest beer goggles on didn't mean anything to the judge who granted him primary custody of his children. His ex-wife only has visitation rights every other weekend. Hey girls, I hear Angelina and Brad want 14 kids, put in your application now.
• Troubled actor Tom Sizemore allegedly broke down in tears at a court appearance after being escorted into the courtroom in an orange jumpsuit and handcuffs. Sizemore pleaded with the judge not to send him to prison for violating his parole from a 2004 crystal meth bust. He said drugs have grabbed him around the neck, but he won't do it again. I'm pretty sure that's what Britney said after she flashed her punane, but now she's flashing her girls all over town, so I don't know if Sizemore should really be trusted in this case...